Article written by Atifha Aftab, Family Solicitor
In an unhappy relationship, it’s easy to think that keeping the family ‘together’ can be the selfless thing to do thereby protecting the children from the trauma of divorce and separation. However, children see and feel everything. This article addresses the myth of showing “unity” in an unhappy relationship and how children can thrive if their parents choose to separate.
1. Unhappy relationships can be harmful for children
Children are emotional sponges. Even if they do not see an argument, they can detect tension, the lack of joy or connection, even conversations that just simply do not happen. This can have a negative impact on their psychological wellbeing. It can also teach them that “this is what love and marriage should look like”. It may indirectly teach them to settle for unhappiness, to silence themselves and ultimately remain stuck in an untenable situation when they reach adulthood. Children need parents who feel emotionally grounded which in turn creates a safe and calm environment for all concerned. Even if it’s quiet, a home with emotional strain can do more damage than two peaceful separate homes could. A dysfunctional and unhappy marriage can be detrimental to children whereas a stable, supportive and nurturing environment post-divorce can be crucial to a child’s development.
2. The focus on co-parenting
While not always achievable, amicable co-parenting is crucial for the sake of a child’s wellbeing. While emotions like resentment and anger can linger, here are some tips to assist parents post-separation:
a) Effective communication – keep communication respectful and succinct. Try to be clear and concise. Try not to criticize the other parent or play the blame game.
b) Show respect – although negative emotions can arise, treating the other parent with respect is crucial. Try not to speak negatively about the other parent in front of the child and set boundaries to ensure a civil relationship is in place.
c) Set clear boundaries – it is easier when boundaries are established. Agree to focus on the child and their interests rather than interfering with the other parent’s personal life.
3. Individual needs and circumstances
Research shows that the best approach is to consider the individual needs and circumstances of each family and child, making decisions to prioritise their wellbeing. Remember, each family and every child is unique and what works for one may not necessarily work for another.
4. High and low conflict divorce
Studies have shown that children in high conflict marriages can benefit from having this removed. Even in lower conflict marriages, staying together can worsen the situation for the child(ren) involved. The quality of the parent-child relationship and environment is therefore the most important facet.
In conclusion, the idea that staying in an unhappy marriage solely “for the kids” is always the best choice is not supported by research. While a stable home life is important, what matters more is the quality of the parental relationship and the overall emotional environment. In situations where the marriage is filled with conflict, dysfunction or persistent unhappiness, divorce can lead to better outcomes for children. Ultimately, the priority should be fostering a supportive, loving atmosphere through healthier co-parenting after separation or by working to improve the existing relationship through marriage counselling (as a couple and individually, if necessary).
For more information or to discuss a family matter further, please feel free to email me or contact the team on 020 8858 6971.